Monday, August 4, 2014

Breaking the silence...

I've been keeping silent and calm over what had happened for the past few months. I didn't want to talk about it becos I don't wish to "wash my dirty laundry in public", I wanna handle it maturely, I'm so disappointed and sick of it too. So sick of explaining myself again and again, so sick of accusations and so sick of everything.

I hope people can understand, that a marriage needs both parties to work it out. Even if it failed, it can't be only one party's fault.

Things don't happen suddenly, out of the blue. It's all accumulated. Despite several warnings, whining, complaining and talking, I still didn't managed to get my words into ZY's head. He couldn't be bothered about what I said. Simply put, he don't even bother about my existence at all. Everything I do for the family and kids are 应该, so he pushed everything for me to do alone, without showing any appreciations.

He will only remember me when he needs sex. He would come back late at night and ask for sex. And when I refused, he would scold and threaten me. "What kind of wife are you? As a wife, you should serve me! You're very lucky I still wanna touch you lor! If you don't give it to me, don't regret if I find someone else! blah blah" This has been happening for the past 1-2 years. I kept quiet all the way until recently.

So, comes March when it's our 7th Wedding Anniversary. I called him, asking if he could come home earlier to have dinner with me and the kids. I don't expect any gift or surprise, I'm only asking to have a dinner with him. We don't celebrate any other occasions, so am I asking too much?

He came back at around 2am, after billiard with his friends, giving the excuse that he needed to work.

This issue really woke me up, that this man is not the right one for me. Where am I placed in his heart? Nowhere I feel. He claimed that he loves me alot, dotes on me alot, but I cannot feel it at all.

And thus, I started to go out more often, have fun and be happy. I don't go out everyday, I still do all the duties as a mum to my kids. I stopped having sex with him, I got very defensive whenever he asked for it.

That's when he got so suspicious of everything I do and everyone I meet. Everytime I go out, I will have to face his scoldings, shouting & screaming when I get home. He would scold me a slut, say I'm a fucked up mom cos I go out, ask me to go and die and etc, threaten me with the kids & threaten to hit me. (Is this call love me alot? I cannot understand it at all!) He even shouted at my parents. Is this even right?

At first, I cried, and cried, and cried. What did I do to deserve all these? I argued until I got very tired, then I kept quiet after that... Let him scold and scold and scold, all he wants. (Even when I keep quiet, he also can scold me for 1-2 hours, don't let me sleep!)

And the most mind-fucking thing is, he will be okay the next day, pretended nothing had happened, pretended that he didn't scold me. And this thing has been going on for many months... He would scold me like once a week and pretended to be fine the next day. And he expects me to do the same too.

Then, he knows that this doesn't work on me anymore becos I simply bo chup now, he went to attack my friend. I blocked him on FB to prevent future harassment to all my friends. It's just plain childish and irritating.

And, he went to taint the kids' mind with his own imaginations and rubbish. Seriously? Why he wanna get everyone involved ah? Why can't he reflects on himself on why things turned out lidat, instead of pushing the blames to everyone else?

I'm not saying that I'm not in the wrong. I gave up on him first, I do not wish to stay and continue suffering for my kids' sake. I'm tired of holding onto this single sided marriage. He gave me a chance to be independent, to learn to be strong, to learn to manage everything myself, so I don't need him in my life at all.

Even when I go out, he's not the one helping with the kids, I'll need to arrange it with my aunt or mum. Becos if I ask him, he will tell me he can't handle, and I cannot go out. Why should I allow him to run my life, when he's not even treating me right?

I gave him plenty of chances for the sake of my kids, he didn't cherish it. I tried and tried and tried to work it out, he didn't bother. I'm tired now.

I've said my piece and I shall not bring this issue up again.

4 comments:

  1. Marriage life is really not easy. I agreed with you everything, takes two hands to clap. Stay strong. You still have two kids. Fighting!!!

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  2. Be strong Joanne! Pursue your own happiness and do what is best for you and your gals. Jiayoy jiayou!!!

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  3. Stay strong, always remember you are not alone. You still have your dearest family and friends..

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  4. so are you all planning on the big D? wish i had the courage. =X

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