Friday, September 26, 2014

爱。。。不是

Hesitated for a long time before deciding to type all these down. Cos I've no idea how and who to vent it out, for I find myself fucking ridiculous and irritating too. So much so I feel like slapping myself hard. Hence, please pardon me or you can choose not to read it!

Today, I broke down, my tears just keep falling uncontrollably, after receiving the final news. I asked myself, "Isn't this what I wanted? Why am I still feeling sad?" 

I don't know why either... 

Maybe... I'm unsure of what I want.
Maybe... I'm just scare of the future.
Maybe... I'm worried of making my kids "fatherless", since they are not very close to him. 

I really have no idea but I guess my mum's reaction played a part. She broke down in public when I broke the news to her. It made me think "WTF am I doing? Why am I still making my mum cry and worried for me at this age?" 

I'm so so so sorry mum, Raeann and Meimei. 

I clearly know that he is not the one for me. We have tried many many times but it just didn't work out. I need a man with initiative and consideration. Someone who will hold my hand. Someone who will comfort me when I'm feeling down, hug and tell me that everything's gonna be alright. Someone who will respect me and treat me right. Someone who will say thank you to me for everything that I've done. Someone who will put in effort on me (and kids). All are just very simple requests, but I don't get them for the past 7 years, and thus, I felt unappreciated and unloved. 

But it's him, his character, I waited for so many years, begged for it so many times, but he's still the same. It's either I accept and live this way till the day I die or walk away. I've chosen the latter. 

However, even there is no love anymore, there are still feelings, it's been 8 years afterall. I'm a human and I'm not cold blooded.

I do not want or expect that I'll end up lidat today. I didn't get married for the sake of divorce. Who would? 

I didn't want to try again becos I'm afraid of repeating all the histories. Till the extend I've to keep reminding myself "no, he's not the one for me, move on, else both of us will suffer". 

Heard this song from YouTube just now, and I think it really suits my feeling...


我假装洒脱,只为了解脱。
爱不是。。。失去了才会懂。
爱不是。。。离开了才会痛。
可以拥抱的时候,是否真的爱过?
就算舍不得,我也只好微笑祝你快乐。
也许这就是最好的结果。。。

It shall be my last time crying for him and this marriage. After next week, it will be my turning point and I will start everything afresh. I will be happy! :) 

7 comments:

  1. Sometimes things jus dun work out the way u wan it to be. Chances have been given but no changes. No point in hanging on and make oneself. As long as u think its correct and it shld be just proceed. Thigs will be good after this obstacle. I support u! I believe ur mum, Raeann and Rachelle understands. Explain to the kids when they r older. I believe kids nowadays r very sensible and understand everything. May all things b smooth for u for the new start! Gambate!

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  2. Jia you. You did well, look forward and don't look back. Kids know who give them genuine love n care.

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  3. Mummy, we know you have tried your best in this marriage, it's not your fault. Holding on will only made both of you and the kids unhappy. I hope you can find your happiness soon, jiayou!

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