Wednesday, October 29, 2014

It's not easy...

Can someone teach me how to attain the "live in my own world" power? Whereby, I can ignore all the kids' fight and noise, ignore their needs, ignore everything and just live in my own sweet world?

I just canned the kids. 

I really don't understand why they must fight everyday, over all the stupid things? 

Raeann won a new toy from pasam malam, Meimei kicked it under the bed (no idea is deliberate or accidental). Raeann screamed at her and insisted to kick her stuffs back. 

I need to lecture again. 

Teaching Raeann to do homework, Meimei also want to do, want to sit beside her jiejie to do her own work, Raeann don't allow, screamed at her to go away, Meimei smacked her. 

I need to lecture again. 

Meimei's iPad has no battery. She wanted to borrow her jiejie's one as she's not using. Raeann has another sony given by her good daddy. So I said, one use sony and one use iPad. Raeann refused to lend. They fought. 

(I usually don't allow them to use during weekdays. But cos exam period is over, I allow them to use awhile.) 

I need to lecture again. 

And when they refused to listen, I'll have to take my cane out. 

Nope, it's not fun to cane them and I really dislike it. I'll only cane them when they go overboard. 

They bring me a lot of joys but they bring me an equal amount of angers and frustrations too. 

Mountains of homeworks to clear with Raeann & two always fighting kids, almost everyday. That's my routines everyday after a whole day of work. And it's not tiring? I'm lucky cos I don't have to do housework, wonder how those supermoms cope? 

Boyfriend? How am I able to have one, when my schedule is so packed, so tied down by them? 

Even when I attend any events or dinner, I'll try to rush to pick Meimei and home, to teach spelling or homework. 

So when I thought I finally can rest once a week & have some me-time cos they will go to their dad, they refused to go. And no choice, I've to look after them and plan programs for them. 

I'm selfish? Don't see which part of me is being selfish? Even though I really dislike all the routines I'm doing, I still do becos of one word; responsibilty. 

I too, have plenty of expenses to pay for. My car, Meimei's school fees, Raeann's school & bus fees and etc. So am I not allowed to feel stress, worried and tired? 

Am I not human? Why are people always thinking and saying all those unfair statements that makes me sound like a fucked up and selfish mom/person? (Who is the real selfish one?)

Sorry, I'm not boasting that I'm a very good mom becos I'm still far fetched from it. But it's only so much I can take, as a woman & a princess who don't have to do or worry about a single fuck at all before being a mom. Moreover, I could have a better life, go to Japan and focus on my career. (This is a knot inside my heart which I forever can't let go.)

But why do I want to get married so young & have kids? Doing all my basic duties as a mom? Becos I'm not selfish. When I gave my youth and my entire life to this man, I was hoping that he will take care of me AND our kids forever. But just too bad, becos he doesn't, I've to learn to be strong, and get stronger each day.

Quoting from someone, "人在做, 天在看", уєѕ I totally agreed. God is the only one who knows how much I put in for this family. If I divorced out of my personal interest, I'll not fight for the kids at all.

Life's sucha bitch! If only I can turn back time...

By the way, I hope people can stop dragging my kids or family into any topic (I already said this many many times), becos I'll get really aggressive. Comments like "I pity your kids" is totally redundant. In what way does my kids look pitiful to you? Did I torture or abuse them? Did I not feed or look after them well? Did my kids complain to you about me? So, think twice before commenting.

I ranted on my blog becos it's my blog, my personal space. Of cos, I can don't post about my true feelings, and let people think that I've sucha perfect life, but it will totally defeats my purpose of having a blog, becos it's not the real me anymore.

But one thing for sure, I don't kpkb everyday about every single minor thing. (I know of someone who does it for years already and I'm totally impressed by her. Salute!) Becos I really learn to count my blessings and try to be positive. 

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