做人很累 hor? Sometimes, I don't even know why are we fighting so hard for? I'm tired, just very tired. Life has somehow loses it's meaning, for me. I thought changing focus to earning more money for myself and the kids will make my life more meaningful. But apparently, it didn't.
True enough, if I'm poor now, I wouldn't have think this way. But well, I've never doubted my own capability before. I know I can earn becos I'm a fast pace workaholic, I just need to find a direction to go into. And it's fated that I'll meet him, and eventually got into car trade. It wasn't a plan, it's God will.
I've been trying to find this "direction" since 10 years ago? Something that I'm interested in, and will work hard for it. I've no idea how long I can last though, but I'll keep trying until the day I get thrown to the ground bottom. It's just me, my determination is too strong.
Right now, I'm using this "work" to divert ALL my attention away, to numb all my pain.
I've found my direction in my career, but I've lost the direction in myself. I don't know what I'm fighting for. No, I realised, it's not for money, earning more money doesn't makes me feel less empty. Money has never been a "love" for me. I won't get impressed by money, or expensive cars.
I sold 6 cars within two weeks. I made myself so busy everyday till I've no time for anything else. I've no mood for anything else too. I made myself very exhausted everyday. I'm glad I still haven't fall sick.
This is the only way I can think of now, to move on. My friend said I'll breakdown one day, but I seriously don't know how to help myself anymore. I need to move on, in a proper way. I'll not choose to find someone else to replace or getting myself drunk everyday. It's too childish.
Perhaps, it's fated that I'll stay alone too. Becos God has already given me the strength to work like a man, to support myself and the kids. I think I'm a man trapped in a woman's body.