Monday, November 28, 2016

What's gone, is gone!

Enjoying sometime alone now while waiting for someone to wake up. We're going for a hi-tea date, lol!

It's amazing how we managed to "stay the same" after soooooooo long. But it's probably due to character. Cos if it's someone else, things will never ever be the same again. 

Took me a long time to realise this, and yah, it's time to completely let go, and find someone new. 

There's no point draining my brain cells, guessing what he's thinking anymore. Becos even if I got the answer, everything has changed, feeling is being buried by hurt, things will never be the same again.

Reality of Changes. 

I'll not talk about this person anymore. And walk away whenever people talk about him. We're not enemies, we're not friends, we're strangers with memories. 

My next relationship goal...

Yup! 不离开, no matter how much we fight or argue. And, we will always end the fight with hugs and kisses. Don't do anything behind my back becos that hurts the most. 

Don't worry, if I managed to find one, I'll proudly announce to the whole world, "HE'S MINE!" 

很快很快! Wait for my good news! Lol

Saturday, November 26, 2016


Things haven't been really smooth lately. I know, these are parts and parcels of life, everyone is going through it. I just wanna rant, to vent out all my frustrations. Afterall, this is my only frustration venting channel. I refrained myself from complaining too much cos I don't need any sympathy. But I don't want to hide. I'm tired, very tired, very very tired.

I used to be very scared of lightning. But yesterday, I was sitting there alone, watching the sea and lightning. I just feel... numb towards everything now. 

There will be time when you just need to be alone. Cry it out. Wipe your own tears. And go back home to continue your daily routine. 

I don't want to breakdown in front of my kids and mum, nor anyone else. I don't like to cry in front of anyone, that's not me. 

Actually, things weren't that bad, becos I still have people backing me up & helping me out. I didn't cry becos of the problems I faced, I cried becos I'm tired. 

It's really not easy playing both roles (father and mother). I've to think of ways to earn more money, I've to face nonsense & rejections at work, I've to face the kids' nonsense, I've to watch the kids' studies & behaviors, I've to do everything. 

Was driving cust's manual car to workshop yesterday. It was challenging becos the gearbox is not functioning well, I've not driven a manual car for a long time, and the journey is not short. 

My phone kept ringing. The kids. Meimei called and complain that Raeann make her then Raeann called and complain too. Then they called again to tell me about dog, again to ask me buy Mac, again to ask me to go home right away, again to complain about idk what what what. 

Patience ran out and I scolded them and stopped answering all their calls. I know, they're not wrong becos they're kids. But I just have no time and mood to entertain them. Was busy trying to solve cust's car issue and my phone's batt ran out very fast. 

People said, "you know you're blessed becos you've two kids". But I'm secretly thinking, "is that so?" 

Without them, I don't have to work so hard. Without them, I've all the freedom. Without them, maybe I'll live longer cos I don't have to shout and scold everyday.

I'm splitting myself into many parts, I cannot focus fully on one thing. There's no one to share the burden with me. There's no one to talk and listen to me.

So tired of living. Can God take me away?

Monday, November 21, 2016


Cause' boy I'm amazing, just the way I am. 

Baby, let me stay with you, for better or worse. I'll love you for as long as I live, I promise. 

Monday, November 14, 2016

We sold...

A brand new Toyota Hiace last night! We = me and Sam. I followed this customer for a long time liao, I know he definitely will buy! This deal is kinda funny, becos we're both not so familiar with commercial. Hahahahaha 

And you know, Singapore is really small. The buyer's group of friends happened to know my sec sch friend. LOL

On the other hand, I also closed one Toyota Wish. I asked the dealer to handle for me! Closed Latio on Friday too! :) 

A very fruitful week. This week gonna be very busy, doing my house things, viewings, handovers, settling customer's doc etc. 

I put on weight liao, lol. Don't know if I should be happy or sad leh? I think it's the beer? Or the good food someone has been bringing me to? Haha

The light cost $19.90 only, I bought it online long long ago.

They (my sec sch friend and his uncle) only charged me $50 in total. They helped me to buy all the parts, and they're very very helpful, asked me to call them anytime if I need help. 

I guess, I'm a not bad person. Becos whenever I open my mouth to ask for help, people will offer, and it's many. Was telling my mum, sometimes, I feel really thankful to meet so many people who are so willing to help me. My life is not perfect, not even great, but all these people made it better. Thank you so so so much, friends.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Latest Cat B COE Bidding

Hahahaha I won myself a HDL from the latest Cat B COE bidding!!! Why? Becos I don't think will go up lor, when everyone else think so.

Wahahahahahaha! It went down by $204. He's not the only one who said will shoot up. It's not sheer luck that I think so, but I really feel so. Why?

Becos the previous COE already shoot up $3K+ leh. Economy is so bad now, if it shoots up further, nobody can afford a car anymore. Govt is not stupid. Yah, Agent sold 200+ units from Motor Show but Agent is not 1 bid mah, at least 6-8 bids what. Aiya, like I said before, MANIPULATE is the word.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Ok bye!

No, really, this wasn't planned. I don't even know what's happening, lol. 被骗上 chuan.

The two very expensive coconuts. Lol $50 ok! 

I feel like... booking air ticket again. Strong urge to do so. If I don't have kids, I think people can hardly see me in SG. Lol I'd probably get a job overseas, or a job that requires me to fly often.

Hanor. So many things in my life come and go unplanned. The problem about me is, I cannot have a plan, it will always get screwed up. And I'll end up in disappointments. It happened so many times, until I'm scared. 

Which is why I choose to travel impromptly now. Like I feel like going, book and go lor. Don't need to ask or plan, just need to inform and arrange for my kids. Of cos, must be 自动 lah. If not ah, think my mum will kill me. 
Sometimes hor, I felt that life is really unfair lor. That day, the two kids who can never cooperate or give in to each other drove me crazy. One want this, the other want that, at the same time, machiam want me to split into two pieces like that. Then my work has to be pushed to attend to them one by one.
Then ah, if I get caught up with work and late to pick meimei up, wah, I kena niam like shit, BY MEIMEI.
This life is tiring, to be honest. I was complaining to my mum, why everything is me me me? Kids aren't mine alone. Their father never pay, nobody say him. Their father never care about them, nobody say him. Their father never do anything, nobody say him too.
Yes right. Custody belongs to me. But it doesn't mean that everything has to fall on me alone. I'm the only one supporting both of them, looking after them, attending to all their nonsense, but it's never enough, for them.
Just becos I've been the one doing, then when I didn't do for one time, I machiam commit big offence. I cannot go out, becos I'm a mother. I cannot do this, I cannot do that, becos I'm a mother. How about the father?
Want me to spend all my time with them ah? Can lor. Pay for all their expenses then. The amount of money I earned with proper timing is enough to support myself. Why do I have to work extra hard? Becos he didn't pay a single shit, since long ago.
Do I have a choice not to work, hard?
Don't see any meaning in my life, at all. To a point, I feel like giving everything up, and just leave. I'm not kidding, I'm very very very tired.
Seriously, I've no idea how much more I can take it. 有时真的很想死,因为那才是真正的解脱。

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

It's time to face it!

It's been 8 months. Have I recovered? No. Truth to be told, I'm actually avoiding, and I clearly know it myself.

I avoided Senja, avoided places we went before, avoided KB, avoided listening to our songs, avoided watching our photos and videos. I avoided everything that trigger my tears. But sometimes, some things are unavoidable. 

My mental state is such that, I'm okay & normal if I managed to avoid all the aboves. If not, I'll be tearing like mad again. It's torturing. 

My mum posted something on FB two days ago. A Chinese article which urge people to let go. One way of truly letting go is to face it.

Instead of avoiding, I should just face it. Cry and cry and cry all I want, until one day I get tired of crying. 

So yes, I plucked up my courage to post our video on my personal FB...

People who watched the video, can then understand why I am unable to let go, after so long. We were very very loving. 

I only had him in my world for that period of time. He didn't like me to contact my friends, so I stopped. I seem to forget all the bad things he did already. 

There are so many times I cried and begged God to save me, cos I'm at my wit end, I don't know how to help myself. 

I felt so crap when my 5 YO has to keep passing me tissue when I can't control my tears. She even find ways to stop me from tearing. 

"Mum, I said already, you can only cry when you're in pyjamas. You cannot cry when you're wearing nice nice." 

I'm a crap mother. So crap. 

The above video, I watched it more than 200 times over the past two days. I will keep watching and watching, tearing and tearing until I stopped tearing automatically. 

It will be over, one fine day. Is it true that finding someone new helps? There are many bees around me. But I can't seem to open up my heart at all. 

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Bits and pieces from 0 to 90!

Was showing a friend my house layout cos maybe he has to rent from me for a short period of time... Went into the album on FB, which I've locked it for a long time.

Stopped updating the album since March, I think? 



This is my humble little nest. 

Why 90? Cos it's incomplete. I still have one empty room. Saving up for my wardrobe! :) Actually, it's made up of just IKEA and cheap furnitures with plenty of D.I.Y. paintwork and stickers. 

He's saying that my daughters' room is so pretty. Let me summarise of what I've spent...

IKEA bed, $299 each. 
Curtain $60? 
Wall shelves $40? 
Book shelf $30? 
Wall stickers $50?
Mini bee fan (which is the most expensive inside the whole room) $330. 
D.I.Y painting.

That's all. But the effort I put in is priceless. It's just me. Either do or don't do, there's no in between. 

Can't compare it to those ID designed house though, but I'm contented enough. My friend said my design sense is power can! I think the stickers play a big big part to beautify it. I said I can do reno for him too, LOLOL! 
Btw, I ended up didn't attend Ricky's house warming cos I went to close this car...
It was a very last min impromptu appointment. But I know they will buy on the spot, becos I've been following up. Yes indeed. Done deal in 10 minutes, didn't even test drive. Really thankful to meet such steady and decisive customer. They don't know me at all. Thank you for the trust. Now I understand why that alibaba guy said it's better to sell to strangers. LOL

Thank you for the very kind comment dear! :)
She's a blog reader turned friend. 

Went to visit Justin with Ashley after my appointment. Waiting for you to sing duet with me Justin! Recover ASAP! This is an order!!!

Saturday, November 5, 2016

吴彦祖 HAHA

Received a msg from Ash at 5+pm yesterday, asking if I want to chill, at our usual spot. I was nearby for an appointment so I told him I'll go after that. Just nice, I WANT TO SING BADLY, lol, 演员!!!

It's just hmm... few of us, lol. Zen & wife can't make it for a personal reason, no idea why they didn't ask Jane? Justin just got discharged from ICU. Scared me sia. Get well soon, my fairytale and my ah ma.

I posted this on FB, someone commented he looks like 吴彦祖. LOLOLOL 

He said I look fat in this photo, so retake again, head must lower abit. Hahahaha! Damn, he has plenty of my fugly photos. LOL

Not bad eh, I've many handsome friends & they really protect and take care of me like a sister. I don't understand why they never allow me to pay when I go out with them. In fact, the men I met lately are all very gentlemen leh. But I'll still pay, secretly. Friends, not date, don't see the need for them to pay for me eh.

Hahahaha someone went to eat Happy Meal just to get me this Twin Stars, upon my request! He said he looked like an idiot cos he ate Happy Meal for his dinner. LOL 谢谢哦! It's really not that hard to make me happy.

Hur! Another angbao from friend! It's really paiseh to take it. But they said I take liao then will be lucky! Thank you thank you. Let's all huat together! :) 

Dating with my two girls today! We're wearing the same tee. Heehee

Meimei's fantasy! You see ah, she literally brings her rotten bear everywhere she goes, treats it like a living thing. She will comes up with nonsense like, "my bear bear also want to go shopping", "Orange is hungry, so I'm bringing him to eat also", LOL! This fatty. I really bth her. 

Went to buy birdnests for my ah ma & Justin Teng too. Speedy recovery to him. It was so critical that he almost died. Life is so fragile. 

My friend is bored. He's my secondary school mate, and happens to be in car trade too. Everyone seems to enjoy my company and crap. Hahahaha 

That day we went to settle something. Then I was like, "omg, Zhikai, what happened to your tummy?" He said, "I'm trying hard to maintain it." Hahaha IT'S SO HUGE. He used to be so skinny. 

Then I said, "I like to stand beside you." He replied, "I know. Many people like to stand beside me, will look slimmer." LOL

I'm bringing the kids to attend Ricky's (my 4 years ex bf, rem?) housewarming tomorrow. That day I called him, ask him what does he need? I was at Taka, shopping. He said he has everything he needed already, don't need to buy. I said, "don't bluff, there is something you confirm don't have one". 

He laughed and said, "What? Confirm its some nonsense again, you and all your nonsense!"

"Weighing machine lor! You're getting fatter so I think you don't have a weighing machine at home!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I really wanted to buy hor. But he said he slimmed down already. LOL