哭一哭，就好了

Things haven't been really smooth lately. I know, these are parts and parcels of life, everyone is going through it. I just wanna rant, to vent out all my frustrations. Afterall, this is my only frustration venting channel. I refrained myself from complaining too much cos I don't need any sympathy. But I don't want to hide. I'm tired, very tired, very very tired.

I used to be very scared of lightning. But yesterday, I was sitting there alone, watching the sea and lightning. I just feel... numb towards everything now. 

There will be time when you just need to be alone. Cry it out. Wipe your own tears. And go back home to continue your daily routine. 

I don't want to breakdown in front of my kids and mum, nor anyone else. I don't like to cry in front of anyone, that's not me. 

Actually, things weren't that bad, becos I still have people backing me up & helping me out. I didn't cry becos of the problems I faced, I cried becos I'm tired. 

It's really not easy playing both roles (father and mother). I've to think of ways to earn more money, I've to face nonsense & rejections at work, I've to face the kids' nonsense, I've to watch the kids' studies & behaviors, I've to do everything. 

Was driving cust's manual car to workshop yesterday. It was challenging becos the gearbox is not functioning well, I've not driven a manual car for a long time, and the journey is not short. 

My phone kept ringing. The kids. Meimei called and complain that Raeann make her then Raeann called and complain too. Then they called again to tell me about dog, again to ask me buy Mac, again to ask me to go home right away, again to complain about idk what what what. 

Patience ran out and I scolded them and stopped answering all their calls. I know, they're not wrong becos they're kids. But I just have no time and mood to entertain them. Was busy trying to solve cust's car issue and my phone's batt ran out very fast. 

People said, "you know you're blessed becos you've two kids". But I'm secretly thinking, "is that so?" 

Without them, I don't have to work so hard. Without them, I've all the freedom. Without them, maybe I'll live longer cos I don't have to shout and scold everyday.

I'm splitting myself into many parts, I cannot focus fully on one thing. There's no one to share the burden with me. There's no one to talk and listen to me.

So tired of living. Can God take me away?