I avoided Senja, avoided places we went before, avoided KB, avoided listening to our songs, avoided watching our photos and videos. I avoided everything that trigger my tears. But sometimes, some things are unavoidable.
My mental state is such that, I'm okay & normal if I managed to avoid all the aboves. If not, I'll be tearing like mad again. It's torturing.
My mum posted something on FB two days ago. A Chinese article which urge people to let go. One way of truly letting go is to face it.
Instead of avoiding, I should just face it. Cry and cry and cry all I want, until one day I get tired of crying.
So yes, I plucked up my courage to post our video on my personal FB...
People who watched the video, can then understand why I am unable to let go, after so long. We were very very loving.
I only had him in my world for that period of time. He didn't like me to contact my friends, so I stopped. I seem to forget all the bad things he did already.
There are so many times I cried and begged God to save me, cos I'm at my wit end, I don't know how to help myself.
I felt so crap when my 5 YO has to keep passing me tissue when I can't control my tears. She even find ways to stop me from tearing.
"Mum, I said already, you can only cry when you're in pyjamas. You cannot cry when you're wearing nice nice."
I'm a crap mother. So crap.
The above video, I watched it more than 200 times over the past two days. I will keep watching and watching, tearing and tearing until I stopped tearing automatically.
It will be over, one fine day. Is it true that finding someone new helps? There are many bees around me. But I can't seem to open up my heart at all.