Sunday, January 15, 2017

Some random thoughts...

Okay, I'm awake, at 5+am, sitting on the bean bag at Senja's living room. The kids requested to stay for a night. I was here to settle my wardrobe with the contractor.

So yeah, my house is finally going to complete soon.

Also installed the bomb shelter rack! ✌🏻

Actually, I know nuts about reno, I can only pray that I don't get cheated becos I'm too chin chai already. I don't know how to see defects, neither researched about market price. I guess, I always work based on trust. 

If I don't trust a person, I'll never approach him. But if I want to "support" someone, I'll not ask about price either, unless it's very large amount and I need to see if my bank account has enough money not. Lol

And to "trust" someone, that someone has to be reliable and reachable. You cannot expect me to trust you when I can't even reach you. No response, no reply. 

This "trust" issue has been haunting me for the past 10 months. 

But what I'm sure is, without proper communication, no form of relationship can ever work out. Don't blame people for not trusting you, when you failed to even give a proper explanation. 

If one person claimed that you're a bastard, it might be that person's problem becos maybe he doesn't like your face. But if 10 persons claimed that you're a bastard, with all the similar stories, it's time you should reflect on yourself. 

I'm still standing by (but no longer holding on) becos I felt that he's not a bastard, and he probably has his reasons for doing the things he did. I've been trying to find out the "reasons" but to no avail. (你想要有个家, 对吗?)

I wanted to help him. Even if he's just a friend, I don't wish to see him ruin himself like that. It doesn't feel good to hear bad things about him everytime. 

Why will people come and tell me? 

Becos I've been crying and mourning for the past 10 months. Drinking everyday, just to sleep. I spoilt my own body, my nose has been bleeding frequently. They've been trying to "wake" me up. But I'm stubborn in a way whereby I want to hear from him, from his own mouth. I still give a lot of benefit of doubts. I'm still telling people that he's not a bad person. 

Becos I've NEVER been lidat before, NEVER.
I warned people I intro-ed becos I don't wish to receive anymore sudden shocking "complain". I won't be able to pick up anymore shit as I'm still picking up those previous shit. All he did was... disappeared. When people can't find him, they naturally called me. 

But most importantly, I don't wish him to wrong further. He's still young. I've loved him before. 

Loving someone is not supporting and agreeing to whatever he do, even if it's wrong. Loving someone is helping him to be the best out of him, to see him doing good and living well, even though I'm not the one by his side. 

I didn't hate nor blame him at all. 
He's seeing me as a bad person now, thinking that I'm trying to seek revenge or something. But sorry, I'm not such a person. If I wanted to do so, I'd have done it long ago. I've no time to plot any revenge on anyone. 

And being in the car trade now, it's not difficult to ruin his company, with all the evidences people provided me. But I didn't. I didn't even tell anyone that I was from which company before, neither tell anyone that I know him/them. 

I do my own things, they do theirs, we have nothing to do with each other. I'm lidat. It's either I care, or I don't give a fuck. 

I always believe in leaving a 后路 for people and I try to help people I cared, whichever ways I can. 

It's heart breaking to get misunderstood always. But I really hate to explain myself. 😔

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