Wednesday, July 18, 2018

人类,人累。

Read an article about Mum-shaming today... Made me recount of how many thousand times people keep telling me I should do this, I should do that, which includes keeping my marriage, for my childrens’ sake. Which I did, for 8 freaking years. I tried my best lah.

But in actual fact, does my children felt happy that I’ve done so? I’m not sure. 

My elder girl, whom was 7 years old that time, said something, and I remembered very clearly till now. Her dad kept wanting to fight for her custody and bring her away... His non-stop abuses and insults led her to say this, “Mummy I think I’ll follow him lah, if not he won’t stop scolding you & he will hit you again.” 

Those words broke my heart. I was so weak then, that I needed my 7yo to protect me, when I should be the one protecting them. 

You know how lessons and experiences made people stronger and stronger? I guess I’m trained to be. Now ah, try me, I’m not so weak anymore. 😬

Fast forward few years later, which is now, when I’m ALONE supporting myself, the house, and them, those “you should do that, you should do that” come again. And it really really make me realised, it’s impossible to have work life balance after having kids. 

I’m stuck in a dilemma of, 1) if I don’t work, where to find money? 2) if I don’t accompany my kids MORE, I’ll regret in future. 

I’ve to emphasise on the word “MORE” cos I do accompany them, but they expected more. 

I’m thinking, everyone knows they’re humans and expected to be treated fairly. Then what about me? Am I not human? Having to carry soooo much loads alone, and yet I’m expected to have more time. 

Every extra things you’re giving your kids, means you have to work extra harder. 

Like how? Teach me lor. If I don’t go out and find more customers, follow up, sales will automatically come to me ah? Won’t I be worried if I’ve no sales and can’t pay off all my stuff? Money will drop from sky huh?? 

Well, I’ve people (friends, his friends) msging me, telling me how capable I am, how am I a role model to them, blah blah. Hahaha no lor. I do breakdown too. But I always tell myself that I need to do better after every cry. And cannot be when I’m crying, I must tell people “I’m crying” mah. It’s okay to cry lah, but need to pick yourself up after that. 加油! 

Haiz... #justranting and I hope people can really stop all their “you should do this, you should do that” to all parents. Not busy enough looking after your own huh?? Why must poke into others’ business? Every parent also know that they should do this, they should do that, but not everyone has the luxury to do so.

If you think that I should do this, I should do that, can can, come and help me pay for everything plus allowance ok? Then I will do this, I will do that. 😑 

Homecook every meals? No problem. Send them to & fro school? No problem. Sit beside them to complete their hw, spelling & 听写 everyday? No problem too. I’ll have all the time what, if I don’t have to work & don’t have to rack my brain at all. 

Q&A on cutting down expenses! Once and for all! LOL

Q1) Why do you need to drive a Merc? 

A1) It’s for my work!!! I’ve to exchange car with customers always. Some customers are nice, some customers are more kiasi, which I don’t blame them. You think if I drive a cherry qq, they will allow me to take their car meh? To me, a car is just a transport. Every car is a good car as long as it don’t give problem! 

Q2) Why don’t you sell or rent out Senja? 

A2) I can’t sell yet but planning to after 5 years. Very shiong to be a house owner. 😬 As for why I didn’t rent it out, okay, cos my kids love there a lot and they finally have their own room. The only room available to rent is their room as I hacked away one room. (No intention to rent initially!) Also, I’ve no time & money for more troubles; toilet clog lah, this spoil that spoil lah.

Q3) Anymore question?

Just so you know, I’m one who think a lot. There’s a reason why I do things the way I did. Despite all, I didn’t bring any trouble to my family or anyone. I take good care of my own stuff, that’s enough. And this is precisely what I want my daughters to be, “be responsible for your own life, becos only you can help yourself.” I’m showing example ah, no meh? 

Right now, I’ve already let Raeann decide her own life at P5. She wants tuition, okay, I pay. But she has to be there on time every lesson. (I never force her to go for any tuition or enrichment anymore.) She wants to sleep late, okay, but she still has to wake up at 5:45am on school days, automatically. 

My friends were like, “Huh? 5:45am, so 可怜! Let her sleep later then u send her to school lah?” 

NO WAY. What 可怜? Got school bus must 偷笑 already lor. I used to wake up at 5:30am everyday when I was in primary school, automatically. My parents never have to wake up to wake me up at all. This is self discipline. She has to do it in future when she work too? Don’t tell me I’ve to wake her up everyday and send her to work until she’s 30+ years old ah? 

Of cos, sometimes if I’m free, and not tired, I’ll send her to her class etc. But I always tell her, this is not a routine, it’s a bonus. 

I’m training her to have my mindset (Nobody owes you anything!). And she will gets stronger after every difficulty she faced. 

Results? Not important. 
Attitude? Yes.

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